Archive for the ‘Stupid criminals’ Category

Republican lawyer strategy

Posted: 2019/11/14 in Fuster-cluck-of-the-day, Stupid criminals, Stupid politics

MAGA Hatter, let’s suppose your wife and kids want you dead.  Yeah, I know, how could anybody even think such a thing! But maybe they’re secretly brainwashed Democrats. The wife tells the kids, “I know someone who’ll do the deed. I want you to go to him and make the deal.”

They do, and to close the deal, she calls the hit man and asks the pre-arranged question, “You’re going to do me that favor, right?” And the hit man gives the pre-arranged answer, “I’ll see what I can do.”

But some people overheard the kids negotiating with the hit man on her behalf and went to the police, who then tapped your wife’s phone.

So now the wife and kids are on trial. The witnesses all tell the same story. The prosecutor plays the phone call. The hit man says sure he was on the phone call, but he understood it to be about something else.

And the best defense the wife’s lawyer can come up with is, “She didn’t say anything about a murder contract in the phone call – it was perfectly innocent. And besides, even if she did plan to pay him to kill the old boy, he’s still alive, therefore no crime was ever actually committed. This trial is a sham! The real criminals are the 10 people who made up this story and the cops who investigated it.”

Well, Mr. Hatter, you’d better hope those jurors aren’t your peers (i.e., as dumb as you are), or your wife and kids are gonna be back home in your big white house tomorrow and for years to come.

Hiding in plain sight

Posted: 2013/08/13 in Stupid criminals

ProfWhitey

No wonder Whitey Bulger got caught!

He had the audacity to play naked Professor Rothman on the Big Bang Theory!

What was he thinking?!

Holy s#%+! What was I thinking?! What if he gets out again!!!

Heeeeeeere’s Ariel!

Posted: 2013/08/02 in Stupid criminals


The scary thing about the Ariel Castro case – he held three women captive as sex slaves for ten years – is how many creepy guys are watching those reports going, “Whoa! You can do that?! Hell, yeah, that’d be worth life in prison!”

They’re probably soundproofing their basements right now, checking to see if that guy has a blog…

Zimmerman verdict fails to answer key question

Posted: 2013/07/19 in Stupid criminals
Tags: , , ,

Namely, at what point does just plain stupidity become criminal stupidity?GZdunce

But for the unholy trinity of stupidity, Trayvon Martin would still be living and George Zimmerman would still be living in the same obscurity we’ve all grown weary of him no longer having.

Just how stupid was he? Let me count the ways:

  1. A crimewatch captain just doesn’t do that–follow a suspicious person–it sets a terrible example for other crimewatch volunteers, and the last thing the police need is for you to inject yourself into the incident.
  2. There was zero probability Trayvon Martin or anyone else was about to commit a break-in.  It was 7pm on a big-game Sunday.  It’s THE single time of the week when the most people are home, awake, and paying attention to what’s going on around them.  The break-ins Zimmerman fretted over occurred on weekday afternoons when the fewest people were home. Kick-in-the-door burglars may be unsophisticated, but they’re not stupid (unlike G.Z.).
  3. He goes, “I know a suspicious person when I see one.  By golly, I’m gonna follow him.” Suppose, for the sake of discussion, that his suspect was, in fact, a bad guy. What characteristics do you think of when you think of a dedicated bad guy? Armed? Aggressive? Ill-tempered? Accustomed to settling disputes with violence? Someone I’d like to piss off in a dark alley?

Yes, we have a constitutional right to be stupid, but that stupid?  Compound stupid?  If he’d been any stupider, he could’ve claimed he was incompetent to stand trial.

If even Zimmerman’s stupidity didn’t cross the threshold into the realm of felonious stupidity, I’d rather not find out what does.

And let’s not overlook the collateral stupidity surrounding this case:

  • The millions of eyewitnesses the prosecution failed to call to testify. They all know exactly what happened. If you don’t believe it, just make sure you have a camera and microphone when you ask them, like the cable news networks did.
  • No matter how many times the 9-1-1 tape is played, an endless chorus of fact-retardant Americans persist in testifying that the dispatcher “told Zimmerman to stay in his car.”
  • “Profiling.” Law enforcement agencies profile, and it’s generally illegal. Zimmerman was guilty of stereotyping –tragic, but completely legal for a private citizen.
  • And finally, the maniacally inappropriate knock-knock joke Zimmerman’s defense attorney opened with will forever be included in any Internet list of epic fails.